Cow Hampshire

his own sitcom.  Ironic, because had Mr. Webster accepted the role of

Executive second banana, he'd have been top banana 16 months later, when Taylor

died in office.  Instead, we inherited Millard Fillmore, our 13th

President, and the only Chief Executive whose name anagrams into: “Mr., I’m A

Filled Roll.”

turned down an honorary doctorate because he couldn't understand the diploma's

Latin text.  He said: “No man should accept a degree he can’t read.”

brother humorist Dave Barry, who, in his book: “Dave Barry Slept Here,” cited

the highest achievement of the Fillmore Presidency as: “The earth didn'’t crash

into the sun.”

and later appointed Daniel Webster as his Secretary of State.  We all know

how now-nominated Humorist Laureate Webster then went on to utter this country's

most heralded battle cry: “Give me liberty or give me a dictionary!”

is worth much without the other.)

politicking, if Iowa is the springboard, then our Granite State is the

pool.  I'm not about to make an endorsement splash here, but if you're

still undecided, I will declare it vital that our next top banana have a keen

sense of humor, and you should vote as if your ballot depended on it.

of electing a President, but I don't see any evidence that my ideas are being

taken seriously.  For a humorist, this is a good sign.

conventions, and instead of over-funding these grand old glitz and glamour

balls, apply the money where it will best serve the nation:  “to the

elderly, the disabled, our soldiers and their families, and generous grants for

working humor columnists.”

myself, something Millard Fillmore would have died for in any language.

upon tractors.  Then, something simple but elegant, like a Thunderbirds

fly-over, would signal the start of the contest.  The first candidate to

finish planting an acre of corn and left outstanding in his/her field would be

President. 

Presidential savvy than watching a bunch of ballyhoo-ers in funny hats anointing

a foregone conclusion?  That's what football stadiums are for.

parties, but the non-response has been greater than anyone has ever

non-responded to my columns before.  I suspect my letters were shredded,

burned, and mulched into convention placards, and will be distributed as genuine

simulated Uncle Sam top hats.

tell me that Barack Obama, Mike Huckabee and Dennis Kucinich are the candidates

most likely to know and make a good joke when they hear and see one.  Going

through early life with a funny name gives one a talent for the jeu

d'esprit.

Repeatedly fending off the early playground derisions of: “Yo Mama,

Obama!” or “Cluckabee Huckabee!” or “Eat your spinach, Kucinich!” in the

formative years, has a way of polishing a sense of humor into one worthy of

Presidential wit.  Consider:

Vice-President, saying:  “For years, we Democrats have succeeded in doing

little more than shooting ourselves in the foot.  You taught us a valuable

lesson.  Aim higher.”

everyone should have health care.  I'm not selling insurance.”

(Leader) displays as part of its masthead, a quote from almost-President Daniel

Webster, now our state Laughmaster-in-Chief:  “There is nothing so powerful

as truth.”

say.  It omits (look it up yourselves) the rest of that historical quote,

which reads: ” … and often nothing so strange.”

who also said that “Wisdom begins at the end,” I suggest that when we enter the

voting booths in 2008, that's a good place to start.