President Daniel Webster, and Other Great Humorists, by B. Elwin Sherman

 

Now there's a man who should have been President, or at least been given

his own sitcom.  Ironic, because had Mr. Webster accepted the role of

Executive second banana, he'd have been top banana 16 months later, when Taylor

died in office.  Instead, we inherited Millard Fillmore, our 13th

President, and the only Chief Executive whose name anagrams into: “Mr., I’m A

Filled Roll.”

 

Historically, I find this to be a fitting declaration, as Millard also once

turned down an honorary doctorate because he couldn't understand the diploma's

Latin text.  He said: “No man should accept a degree he can’t read.”

 

Jon Stewart couldn't have quipped it quicker, but I must align myself with

brother humorist Dave Barry, who, in his book: “Dave Barry Slept Here,” cited

the highest achievement of the Fillmore Presidency as: “The earth didn'’t crash

into the sun.”

 

To his credit, however, Fillmore did set up the first White House library,

and later appointed Daniel Webster as his Secretary of State.  We all know

how now-nominated Humorist Laureate Webster then went on to utter this country's

most heralded battle cry: “Give me liberty or give me a dictionary!”

 

(Well … if he didn't offer that ultimatum, he should have, because neither

is worth much without the other.)

 
We'll soon be going to the polls.  In Presidential candidate

politicking, if Iowa is the springboard, then our Granite State is the

pool.  I'm not about to make an endorsement splash here, but if you're

still undecided, I will declare it vital that our next top banana have a keen

sense of humor, and you should vote as if your ballot depended on it.

 

I recently published a column suggesting how we might tidy up the process

of electing a President, but I don't see any evidence that my ideas are being

taken seriously.  For a humorist, this is a good sign.

 

Among other innovations, I proposed that we cancel the national

conventions, and instead of over-funding these grand old glitz and glamour

balls, apply the money where it will best serve the nation:  “to the

elderly, the disabled, our soldiers and their families, and generous grants for

working humor columnists.”

 

Thus far, that idea has generated nothing except my being able to quote

myself, something Millard Fillmore would have died for in any language.

 

I'd thought that our candidates could all be bib-jeaned, lined up and set

upon tractors.  Then, something simple but elegant, like a Thunderbirds

fly-over, would signal the start of the contest.  The first candidate to

finish planting an acre of corn and left outstanding in his/her field would be

President. 

 

Now, isn't this a much more homespun and truer method of evaluating

Presidential savvy than watching a bunch of ballyhoo-ers in funny hats anointing

a foregone conclusion?  That's what football stadiums are for.

 

I submitted this idea to the respective chairmen of our national political

parties, but the non-response has been greater than anyone has ever

non-responded to my columns before.  I suspect my letters were shredded,

burned, and mulched into convention placards, and will be distributed as genuine

simulated Uncle Sam top hats.

 

As stated, I'll stop short of endorsing anyone here, but my comic instincts

tell me that Barack Obama, Mike Huckabee and Dennis Kucinich are the candidates

most likely to know and make a good joke when they hear and see one.  Going

through early life with a funny name gives one a talent for the jeu

d'esprit.

Repeatedly fending off the early playground derisions of: “Yo Mama,

Obama!” or “Cluckabee Huckabee!” or “Eat your spinach, Kucinich!” in the

formative years, has a way of polishing a sense of humor into one worthy of

Presidential wit.  Consider:

 

OBAMA:  At a dinner attended by Dick Cheney, he addressed the

Vice-President, saying:  “For years, we Democrats have succeeded in doing

little more than shooting ourselves in the foot.  You taught us a valuable

lesson.  Aim higher.”

 

HUCKABEE:  “Jesus was too smart to ever run for public office.”

 

KUCINICH:  “Everyone should have health insurance?  I say

everyone should have health care.  I'm not selling insurance.”

 

A prominent New Hampshire newspaper whose name (Union) we needn’t mention,

(Leader) displays as part of its masthead, a quote from almost-President Daniel

Webster, now our state Laughmaster-in-Chief:  “There is nothing so powerful

as truth.”

 

As with most newspapers, it isn't what they say, but what they don't

say.  It omits (look it up yourselves) the rest of that historical quote,

which reads: ” … and often nothing so strange.”

 

An apt anagram for Daniel Webster is: “Wits, be learned.”  From a man

who also said that “Wisdom begins at the end,” I suggest that when we enter the

voting booths in 2008, that's a good place to start.